Ups and Downs of Seesaw Days

I don't have much to report. I am still looking for a job, save for tutoring a few hours a week and teaching a weekly acting class. I continue to slog through the online teacher preparation coursework, which is living up to its boring status. I will say that the tutoring job has blossomed and it is very rewarding. It started off as meetings at Starbucks hourly twice a week to practice English, awkwardly make conversation, and explain cultural colloquialisms to a PhD graduate student from Korea studying at UT. Then he began applying to professor positions so we shifted our focus first to interview practice, then to presentation material and delivery. This was my "aha!" moment. I am really experienced and good at providing guidance in both areas. I may be unemployed, but I can provide a powerhouse interview, darn it! And I have had training in presentation strategy in undergrad as well as graduate school. I soon found myself being highly valued, giving input to the student that he got excited about and told me was just what he needed, and putting in extra tutoring hours. Finally, I could be anal and harp on all the little details (grammar, active verbs, engaging prose, consistency, format, pacing) and it was helpful! :) The graduate student has also asked me to start tutoring his two elementary aged children once a week to help with their writing and reading comprehension. On the days that I get to spend part of my time teaching, I am much happier. That is what it comes down to.

On other days, I am not so happy. I think I cried twice last week. One evening, Matt came home and for no specific reason, I got all emotional. Then a few days later, after spending a good chunk of time on a job application that I was overqualified for to begin with, I hit the submit button but I'd taken too long and been logged off from the system. Nothing saved, I had to do it again, and so there were more tears. I am more okay when I am out and about during the day, with friends or family, or doing something productive like cleaning up or laundry or cooking. But I don't want to slow down on my job search so spend a good MANY hours a week searching for and applying to jobs. The searching is what takes the longest, actually. Then I apply to the jobs that I might remotely enjoy or be qualified for. This means adding to my over fifty cover letters, attaching a resume, and the hard part: transferring my resume into the organization's online application, section by section. That part kills me because it is a huge time suck and seems really unnecessary. The "better" jobs only require a resume and cover letter, but there are other jobs out there that need this form as well. It contains "fun" things to look up like the address of my high school and they all want to know, Have I graduated high school? Been convicted of any felonies? Etc. These forms are pros at building frustration and anxiety. And if they didn't, then I have their no-responses to look forward to, or their rejections. Those are fun. A worse response than that came to me a few weeks ago. A very good, reputable company contacted me. A manager left a message on my phone that he was interested in having a phone interview with me. Unfortunately, I missed the call because it was one of the rare days that I had a substitute position. I called back and left a voicemail and followed up with an email. Never heard back. (This led to tears a few weeks ago as well.)

Sometimes I feel silly getting so upset when I have so much to be thankful and happy about. Matt tells me not to worry, that we are okay, and to do fun things during the day, too. I am very supported indeed. And yet I seem to be worrying more than usual. Hopefully by being reflective, addressing it in writing, and being kinder to myself I'll crawl out of this funk that I am in. But I am in a bit of a funk. Last night, Matt had to get some work done. I had come from a lovely girls night out with Traci and then Matt took time to play card games with me. Then I got comfortable and dove into a wonderful book. But even then, the grumpiness crept back. I felt lonely and annoyed, realizing all the same that I was fine. I've lived by myself before, I've been single for years, what was my problem that I couldn't spend a few minutes, even, alone? Then Matt came to bed and held me, just as sweet as could be. And I wondered what my problem was. Really. I hope I can shake this rain cloud over me. I'm normally a pretty happy girl.

To end on a higher note, Sunday evening Matt went with me to my cousins' house for dinner and games. It was nice to see them and we stayed a good three hours or so. After spending all that time with my family and before getting done what he needed to get done, Matt challenged me to a game of Scrabble right when we got home. He is always trying to be sweet to me, I appreciate it immensely, and I only wish I could allow myself to be happy. I was bummed that Christa and Tony were unable to spend the weekend with us as planned. Tony had an emergency surgery, though, so plans had to change. In November, Matt and I are going camping for a weekend and another weekend we're spending in Houston. That's just the beginning of November. Then both our improv troupes are performing in The Hideout's Wafflefest and on the same night, in the same show--my troupe gets to open for Matt's troupe! My parents are in town one weekend and before we know it, we'll be in Florida to spend Thanksgiving with Matt's family.

The trend with me and in this email, you see, is thinking about why I SHOULD BE happy and NOT fussy and while it's great to have perspective, Traci was very helpful in reminding me last night that sometimes...it's okay to just be upset. And recognize and validate these feelings. I have a hard time with this. Always have.

This post is getting long but I must add that as I was writing this, I got asked to play in Flying Theater Machine's next run of shows, Snowball Fight! This means I get to perform as an improviser for children AND I get to perform with Matt! Big, big yay! So that cheered me up a ton. But hey, if I want to be sad in spite of it all, even if I don't know why I'm feeling that way, that's okay, too. Just sayin'.