Dreamin'

Last night, I dreamed that I told my former boss at the Alley Theatre that I still hadn't been able to find a job. He nonchalantly said, Okay I have this Coordinator position I was just trying to fill so you can have it and the pay is $70,000. I was super excited and started the job right away. Except I was late to work because I couldn't remember where in the mall the space was located and I was roaming lost for a while and accidently got past a restricted area. There were people each in front of a skinny plane with helmets, about to enter and take off in them. I quickly left and found my boss and explained why I was late. Then he asked me to do my first task and I went to the cubicles and all the people at McCarter Theatre in Princeton that I worked with back in 2005/2006 were there, vivid faces in my dream and everything. I told Marielle the good news but then next thing I knew, Matt's alarm went off and I was awake, unemployed, and back to reality. Ah, well!

Ups and Downs of Seesaw Days

I don't have much to report. I am still looking for a job, save for tutoring a few hours a week and teaching a weekly acting class. I continue to slog through the online teacher preparation coursework, which is living up to its boring status. I will say that the tutoring job has blossomed and it is very rewarding. It started off as meetings at Starbucks hourly twice a week to practice English, awkwardly make conversation, and explain cultural colloquialisms to a PhD graduate student from Korea studying at UT. Then he began applying to professor positions so we shifted our focus first to interview practice, then to presentation material and delivery. This was my "aha!" moment. I am really experienced and good at providing guidance in both areas. I may be unemployed, but I can provide a powerhouse interview, darn it! And I have had training in presentation strategy in undergrad as well as graduate school. I soon found myself being highly valued, giving input to the student that he got excited about and told me was just what he needed, and putting in extra tutoring hours. Finally, I could be anal and harp on all the little details (grammar, active verbs, engaging prose, consistency, format, pacing) and it was helpful! :) The graduate student has also asked me to start tutoring his two elementary aged children once a week to help with their writing and reading comprehension. On the days that I get to spend part of my time teaching, I am much happier. That is what it comes down to.

On other days, I am not so happy. I think I cried twice last week. One evening, Matt came home and for no specific reason, I got all emotional. Then a few days later, after spending a good chunk of time on a job application that I was overqualified for to begin with, I hit the submit button but I'd taken too long and been logged off from the system. Nothing saved, I had to do it again, and so there were more tears. I am more okay when I am out and about during the day, with friends or family, or doing something productive like cleaning up or laundry or cooking. But I don't want to slow down on my job search so spend a good MANY hours a week searching for and applying to jobs. The searching is what takes the longest, actually. Then I apply to the jobs that I might remotely enjoy or be qualified for. This means adding to my over fifty cover letters, attaching a resume, and the hard part: transferring my resume into the organization's online application, section by section. That part kills me because it is a huge time suck and seems really unnecessary. The "better" jobs only require a resume and cover letter, but there are other jobs out there that need this form as well. It contains "fun" things to look up like the address of my high school and they all want to know, Have I graduated high school? Been convicted of any felonies? Etc. These forms are pros at building frustration and anxiety. And if they didn't, then I have their no-responses to look forward to, or their rejections. Those are fun. A worse response than that came to me a few weeks ago. A very good, reputable company contacted me. A manager left a message on my phone that he was interested in having a phone interview with me. Unfortunately, I missed the call because it was one of the rare days that I had a substitute position. I called back and left a voicemail and followed up with an email. Never heard back. (This led to tears a few weeks ago as well.)

Sometimes I feel silly getting so upset when I have so much to be thankful and happy about. Matt tells me not to worry, that we are okay, and to do fun things during the day, too. I am very supported indeed. And yet I seem to be worrying more than usual. Hopefully by being reflective, addressing it in writing, and being kinder to myself I'll crawl out of this funk that I am in. But I am in a bit of a funk. Last night, Matt had to get some work done. I had come from a lovely girls night out with Traci and then Matt took time to play card games with me. Then I got comfortable and dove into a wonderful book. But even then, the grumpiness crept back. I felt lonely and annoyed, realizing all the same that I was fine. I've lived by myself before, I've been single for years, what was my problem that I couldn't spend a few minutes, even, alone? Then Matt came to bed and held me, just as sweet as could be. And I wondered what my problem was. Really. I hope I can shake this rain cloud over me. I'm normally a pretty happy girl.

To end on a higher note, Sunday evening Matt went with me to my cousins' house for dinner and games. It was nice to see them and we stayed a good three hours or so. After spending all that time with my family and before getting done what he needed to get done, Matt challenged me to a game of Scrabble right when we got home. He is always trying to be sweet to me, I appreciate it immensely, and I only wish I could allow myself to be happy. I was bummed that Christa and Tony were unable to spend the weekend with us as planned. Tony had an emergency surgery, though, so plans had to change. In November, Matt and I are going camping for a weekend and another weekend we're spending in Houston. That's just the beginning of November. Then both our improv troupes are performing in The Hideout's Wafflefest and on the same night, in the same show--my troupe gets to open for Matt's troupe! My parents are in town one weekend and before we know it, we'll be in Florida to spend Thanksgiving with Matt's family.

The trend with me and in this email, you see, is thinking about why I SHOULD BE happy and NOT fussy and while it's great to have perspective, Traci was very helpful in reminding me last night that sometimes...it's okay to just be upset. And recognize and validate these feelings. I have a hard time with this. Always have.

This post is getting long but I must add that as I was writing this, I got asked to play in Flying Theater Machine's next run of shows, Snowball Fight! This means I get to perform as an improviser for children AND I get to perform with Matt! Big, big yay! So that cheered me up a ton. But hey, if I want to be sad in spite of it all, even if I don't know why I'm feeling that way, that's okay, too. Just sayin'.

I'm Just Sitting Here Watching the Wheels Go Round and Round...

I had a really fantastic weekend and I wanted to capture it here so I don't forget the feelings it invoked, that way instead of the memory fading away I can keep it snuggled up to me in my thoughts. I enjoy scrapbooking for the same reason. I like to keep comforts from the past and dreams and hopes for my future nestled around me like a time-traveling hug.

Friday when Matt got home from work, I surprised him with a Texas-sized chocolate AND glazed donut I picked up from Round Rock Donuts. This donut was bigger than his head! He enjoyed the treat, which of course I helped him eat over the next two days. Later that night after his improv show, Matt took me to Jasper's and I relished a triple chocolate martini and his company.

Saturday brought crisp weather and a lovely blue sky and light breeze so Matt and I took to the backyard and played board games on the covered patio for hours. We acted silly, relaxed, and just played. Then we caught a quick trip to the gym for a workout, ate dinner, and cleaned up before heading downtown for my second improv performance with the troupe Continental Breakfast. I was nervous but did okay, better than the previous week, and Sarah came to watch me.

Then Sunday morning, Sarah and I breakfasted together and afterwards I played computer games with Matt. He played something on his computer involving attacking each other's land and I started a fresh game of The Sims 2, which I have barely ever played. It was very satisfying to surrender my time to a ridiculous computer game. :) Then Matt and I played video games together, rocked out on Guitar Hero (he played guitar and I sang!) and played Spades and Casino card games. We polished off our evening at an Ethiopian restaurant. It was his second experience with the cuisine and my first. We got to eat with our hands, save for the spongy paper we wrapped around food. It was pretty good, but heavy and we were immobilized for the rest of our evening.

It felt like Houston today. Oh, the humidity!

In regards to the title, when I told Matt the pun that I was so proud of, he did his usual response: silence, then a slow groan. He's the punster, so I think he should appreciate the bit that's rubbing off on me and my sweet efforts to share terrible puns with him... :P

But really, it was quite humid today and not all that cool. But it rained this evening with a terrific thunderstorm and no damage, so I'm pretty happy about it. I spent all afternoon at The Domain, which was no easy feat. For one, I was hoping to get stuff done at the house. And being in such close proximity to all that great shopping was tough. I wanted to play in the stores and shop shop shop! But I was good and only purchased the new book by the author of The Time Traveler's Wife, Audrey Niffenegger. That was one of the best books I've ever read, by the way, so it's an understatement to say I have high hopes. Anyhow, the book was 30% off so I marched it to checkout. As I was literally wondering if I should ask for a teacher discount but deciding against it since I have no paycheck from a school district to prove conventional educator, this woman asks if I'm a teacher. I smiled and said yes and asked if I looked like one. We got to chatting as I filled out an educator application (she didn't seem to care that I had no proof) and when I said I was a teaching artist, she told me her mother had been one in Brooklyn. We only talked for a few minutes, but it was a really lovely conversation and she said her mother would have been proud to hear about teaching artist work in Austin. I left the store with a smile, and an educator discount card that said Teaching Artist for "subject" and All Over for "school." :)

Ah, yes, so you're probably wondering why I was "trapped" at The Domain. Poor me, surrounded by the petite section at Banana Republic, the makeup counter at Neiman Marcus, White House/Black Market, BEBE, Origins, and Cole-Haan, NONE of which--le sigh--I ventured into! My hard drive decided it had better things to do and gave notice of impending doom. Fortunately, I received the memo in time to back up everything and received a bonny new hard drive under warranty. Sadly, however, I couldn't swing getting my laptop back to normal with my backed up files so I was spending Day Two at The Domain and waiting forever for the Apple store to fight the good fight against my laptop. In the end, they won as they always do. Amusing fact about the Apple store: they have a CONCIERGE! You have to check in as you enter the store so they can type your information into the iPod they all carry and get you in their system. Very amusing. And they have scrapbooking SOFTWARE programs, which I never knew of! They look super fun, but I must admit a good chunk of the pleasure of scrapbooking is the tactile part of the hobby. Recreating everything with clicks of the mouse is cheaper than materials, more polished in results, and unlimited in possibilities for the pages, but the traditional scrapbooking with its messiness and hands-on appeal are my go-to.

Time to get back to my new book before I burrow under my comforter and call it a night.

Being Alone, or Why I am Still Five

When Matt goes out of town for work, I think about how nice it would be to have a puppy. Just the simple company of an animal, I think, would preclude any jumpiness and anxiety at night. My little companion could follow me all over the house. Granted, I don't want a dog at this stage of my life. Flexibility for random hours or weekend trips are here to stay for a while, plus it's not affordable right now. More simply, I realize how much of an extrovert I am and how much I appreciate companionship.

That's why last night I had the random idea to return a small, soft squirrel stuffed animal to my computer desk, where he had been stationed for the latter part of my thesis writing to keep me company at my old apartment during many late nights writing. I told Matt about this new development on the phone the other night and when we got off the phone, I was giddy from getting to hear his voice and very content. I took my squirrel friend downstairs with me and we watched another episode of Seinfeld together. The squirrel was my constant companion. He followed me when I refilled my water, checked my email, and tucked me in when it was time for bed. The simple act of playing with a stuffed animal was soothing and fun, though of course I still can't wait for Matt's return.

Yup. I am still a wacky five-year-old.

Missing Loved Ones

I don't know if there is a connection, but Matt's being out of town for work has coincided with my thinking alternately of the family dog Hershey Kisses and my Nana. Both of them have passed away, but I wonder if missing Matt has spurred missing other loved ones as well.

All I know is I was sound asleep the other night when a particularly feisty bolt of thunder woke me up. Here it is--5 AM--I was moments ago sleeping peacefully, and my groggy self drifted to memories of Kisses being afraid of storms, shaking like a leaf, and my holding and consoling her. It was a sweet memory but there I was, half asleep and near tears as I remembered the little pup after having her away from my thoughts for a while.

Then this afternoon, I went to pick up Jell-O chocolate pudding because my parents used to always make it for me, I love it, and it can't be that hard to make myself. Granted, I've taken years to rise to this minutiae challenge, but that's not the point. As I toss the package into my cart, I recall my recent hankering for banana pudding. I grab the banana cream Jell-O mix and head to the crackers section. As I toss Nilla wafers into my cart, thoughts of my Nana flood my head. There was never a time, at least that I can remember, that her apartment was not well stocked with a cracker assortment spread of Nilla, Ritz, and Wheat Thins boxes. I miss her.

The good news to end on is that Kisses and Nana may remain comfortably tucked in my thoughts BUT Matt I shall see shortly!

Little Tidbits

Since my last post, I've thought of a few amusing tidbits to capture here. Nothing majorly noteworthy has occurred, as I am still unemployed minus tutoring twice a week and teaching once a week. Yes, I started teaching an acting class Thursday evenings. My group of students is great so it will be fun to have another drama class but it also happens to take place in South Austin, which in traffic is no small jaunt. I think I'll make a habit of heading towards that part of town early and perching nearby before rush hour strikes.

I had to get fingerprinted as part of the many hoops I must jump (and pay) through "on the road" to teacher certification. I use that cliched phrase because my alternative certification program uses it. Frequently. I must say, however, fingerprinting wasn't as annoying an errand as I had surmised. The building was easy to get to and I didn't have to wait for my turn. Lastly, and this detail is odd but true, the process of fingerprinting is a bit like a hand massage. In order to digitally capture the most accurate reading, each finger must be rolled against the scanner. Case in point.

In other news, the first day of fall was aptly marked by chilly weather and bouts of rain. I loved it, avoided the heater, and eagerly look forward to the fall weather returning, this time to stay awhile! Also during this lovely turn of weather, I spotted the neighborhood cat curled up into a cold, sleepy ball on the lawn chair in the backyard, seeking refuge from the rain on the covered patio. It was quite cute.

I had my first substitute teaching job recently and made a whopping $10/hour. Science to 2nd graders and English/Reading to 5th graders at a private school. Tomorrow morning, I become Gym Teacher for a few hours. Haha. Sigh...

Matt had to go out of town again for work recently, boo on that! I always miss him when he is gone, and these feelings are only reinforced by hearing all kinds of things at night. Such as when it is windy, our shed door in the backyard makes noise. Such a pleasant noise... However, I would like to say that I can be okay by myself at night. I was mostly okay in an apartment, but a house is a bit different, I suppose. Me and my overactive imagination.

One of the nights that Matt was out of town, I knew it was an hour later and didn't want him to go to bed without hearing "goodnight" and so forth from me. I sent him a text literally to the minute that he sent me an email of the same nature. Sadly, he did not see my text until that morning, but the fact that we were thinking the same still makes me smile. I love that man. :)

I have been very busy with improv rehearsals in preparation for performing during October. Lots of three hour rehearsals and practicing our troupe format are tiring, but I can see myself improving both in confidence, instincts, and focus. I have lots more to go, or shall I say room for mooooooooooore growth, but it's a great group of people to rehearse/play/work/perform with and I am enjoying it. We had our photo shoot the other day and it was really fun. Yay for finally getting to act again. It has been too long.

That's it for now!