On Happiness and Change

I have been thinking about how to find more meaning in my life, and how to find greater peace and happiness with where I am right now. I've been defining my happiness lately based on my successes in graduate school, rather than just being happy on my own. It's been working pretty well for me. But I experienced a setback today, so I'm not too happy. I built expectations around this internship I applied for and thesis writing I have been working on. I am always forming expectations for everything, and it's another thing I am trying to address. Relatedly, I think I place too much weight in my own happiness on relationships, too, making ups and downs more pronounced.

How can I define my happiness all on my own?? Which I have to, really, because it is the only thing I have total control over. Sure, I can focus on health and feeling good. I can control how I look and how often I exercise and what shape I am in. I can control what I eat, which is why I suppose eating is a comfort thing for lots of people. It's not elusive or seemingly unattainable, like happiness. (I only bring up the word unattainable because of a theme that emerged in Woody Allen's latest movie, which I'll blog about another time if I can think of a good way to express my thoughts on the movie.) And certainly, I am working to control that which is within my reach. I am trying to make all kinds of changes in my life. Some small, but changes all the same.

Thinking back to my setback today, although I couldn't control the outcome, I CAN control how I react to news such as I received today when I did not get the internship. I CAN control what steps I take to improve myself and raise myself up. I CAN control how much I take things personally. It's funny, this is no issue with friends. I'm sure you can all relate to this: A friend is dating someone and then it ends. You tell your friend it was the other person's loss and that he/she is so great and will totally find someone else. And you may really believe this. However, if it happened to you, not so easy to get perspective. You may not feel like yourself, you may feel rejected, all kinds of feelings preside.

Now, consider a friend who did not land a dream job or is not currently successful or enjoying the job he/she has. You think, he/she will find something else and has lots to offer, and you surely believe that. Your view of your friend does not change. You see the whole person, not suddenly someone who you always associated with their job and thus cannot put your brain around now. Being in that situation, the perspective changes, the lens narrows. Sure, you know deep down you have strengths and perhaps the job fit wasn't right, but you must define yourself in the moment to find peace. There is no positive future right after a breakup in the beholder's eyes; there is nothing exciting to look ahead to when you've just felt horrible at your job or weren't made an offer where you applied.

Of course, happiness is possible despite these things and there is a caveat to what I said. You see no positive outlook ahead IF you were defining yourself, and finding your happiness, from these sources that just slipped from under you. That is where I am going with my thoughts. I am me, and all other things are extensions of myself. Relationships, jobs, interviews, all these things shape who I am and fuel my passion and energy, but taken out of the equation I must find a way to still be standing with my chin up. I find this hard, and I'm not sure why. I'm not sure when this shift occurred in my life, because I'd always prided myself on being very independent. At Rice, this changed somewhere. I don't want to get too connected to any of these extensions of myself. I want to continue to find greater meaning withing myself, singular.

The upcoming elections are all about how to bring about change at a tumultuous time, and I feel the same impulses for myself: I want to use my own setbacks and reflections as learning experiences to propel me forward; to seek change and be the force that creates it.

I would also like to elaborate on the circumstances that inspired this post. I applied for an internship working with a population in rural Alaska. Being that my thesis research relates to the internship and I am a third year student, I thought I had a great shot at it. So when after going through an interview and application process and waiting as the notification deadline got twice extended, I found out I did not get it, I was not only disappointed but surprised. This did not match all the expectations I had built around it, as is my way. And given that the wait was longer, I'd had all the more time to put thought into this, stock into this.

Fast forward to when I got the bigger picture, and I learned that there were many considerations that went into the decision that I was not aware of. It did not relate to my work as I thought it did. It was less about my not being the strongest candidate, but more looking across many strong candidates and finding the best fit. It was not a personal reflection of my abilities, which I took it as. It did not mean, no matter what, I should feel unsuccessful and unhappy because I still have a lot going for me. But it's easier to be grounded by concrete things, relationships, positions, and this is why people (myself clearly included) cling to them. We cling to them for happiness, identification, success, meaning...

Right after receiving the email that I didn't get the internship, I headed to a meeting with my advisor where we discussed my thesis writing. Again, I had all these expectations that she would really like my writing. Sadly, that was not the case. I have been working on my writing for some time now, and must continue to do so. The first two pages of my paper were torn apart and the rest were unread until I make some changes to it and create an outline to help sequence my points. On my advisor's behalf, I appreciate how supportive and helpful she has been. She believes in me, is helping me, and we will get my writing to where it needs to be. It was just bad timing and not a fun part of the meeting. But that's life and I'm not going to belabor my point.

The interesting twist to this story is that I'd submitted the very same paper to one of my professors (whom my advisor has worked with before and has great respect for) and a few hours after the ego-deflating meeting with my advisor, I received my paper via email from the professor--A+, she thought it was well written and well constructed. This doesn't relate directly to my first point, but the sentiment is the same. Don't tangle too much stuff around who you are because it's all subjective anyhow, and it will weigh you down. Let it be part of you but balance that with other things, constants. Find inner happiness, because letting these things influence you takes away perspective, and there are different interpretations anyhow--this experience has shown that.

Anyhow, I also want to point out that all of this does not mean that I am terribly unhappy. I'm a fairly good-natured person and am more happy than unhappy. This is not about that. It's about the pursuit of greater happiness and greater meaning, because who doesn't want more of that in their lives? :) It's in a cluster of things I have been deliberating on, and will continue to do so, on my path to Somewhere.

On a lighter note, I just "became a fan" of Happiness on Facebook. That made me smile. If only it were that easy...

Clarity and organization are major problems with my writing it seems, so this blog may not make any sense. That is my disclaimer after the fact--I think I just proved the previous sentence true! In any case, I followed my thought process. And I will not be making an outline for my blog. So there. That is all, "my friends." (I can't resist quoting McCain, who grossly overused the expression in tonight's Presidential Debate.)